yes...i've been slacking lately. no...not from any love project or any major changes to my life. life is still the same...hasn't changed much...but i'm still holding up a very positive attitude towards the beginning for the year of the dog.
i want changes to happen this year...i know it will happen...i can feel it.
2005 has been relatively good to me i must say. of course there has been the occasional hiccups. but how can i complain when i've got a job to get to (which i totally hate), yoga classes to attend (aaahhh...divine), men to oogle at (can see but cannot touch...damn it!), a roof over your head, wheels to get you about and money to keep you going, the lists just goes on and on.
but there was one chapter in my life which i can finally put a proper closure to it. it seems that i've been clinging on to a piece of history which i thought have been safely tucked and sealed away...i was dead wrong. it haunted me for the past two years. feeling of remorse and regret, showered me daily. thoughts of reconciliation so powerful, i swear i thought it partially cooked my 'balls'.
anyway, the new year began with a good conversation...a conversation which should have taken place back then...but like they say...better to have done it then not and regret it. of course the main topic revolved around the agenda of love...the trust, the betrayal, the touch, the feeling. everything was layed clearly out on to the chopping board. we were like doctors performing autopsies on each and every element...but we realized there was no use in analyzing all these elements as we cannot turn back the clock to undo what has been done (although, i would have love very much to do that...but reality check).
so, here i am...locking this chest for good. vowed never to look back for i have new missions for this new year, yoga practices to attend, voluntary work to give, friends to care and people to love. and i'd like to wish my closest friends...the doctor, the prisoner, the librarian (come to think of it...i don't have much friends) a fucking good year ahead! cut crap and smell the coffee will ya!!! life is as shitty as it can get! namaste.
bumped into chris last nite during one of our 'dynamic' classes. anyway, asked him how his teacher's training course was coming along. apparently, he is having his exams next week. and that he is still having trouble remembering all the asana names in sanskrit. after a while into the conversation, more people started arriving for the 8 pm class. and most of them are also students of the teacher's training course...and of course the conversation suddenly deviated to their upcoming exams.
chris : "i dunno lar...i'm just trying to memorise all the asana names."
janice : "yalar...me too me too...when i drive, i just try to 'ngap' all the names out"
chris : "aiyah, like that how lar...teach also not very 'tim'...summore must memorise all the names...wahlao eh"
janice : "haiyah, never mind lar...the names only 100 marks mah...just tembak only lar..."
chris : "yalor yalor...dun intend to remember all the names...you know or not...sun salutations ah...i also mix up all the steps...remember yesterday when i was giving you all cues to do it...i think i was too nervous...totally messed it up...i was sweating so much and when i see all of you, you guys were all still very dry...hahahaha"
janice : "yalar...u so nervous for what?"
my goodness, isn't this a blessing in disguise? i will never want to attend a class conducted by such "instructors"...or do they even deserve to be called that?
memorising asana names, messed up basic sun salutations, little to no knowledge of the anatomy...this is a disaster class waiting to unfold...wait!!! it has already unfolded...these "young guns" will be teaching their very first class this thursday in another branch of the yoga studio which i attend. they have no passion for yoga...they are doing it all for the wrong reasons. chris told me yesterday that he's taking teacher's training course for change in career.
this has further reassured that my decision in not taking up the teacher's training course when first offered was correct. i don't want to end up being like one of them...memorising asana names for the same of passing the exam. i can't believe they were even proud in sharing ways in passing the exams...disgrace!
*feeling totally disgusted*
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geees! what a great way to cleanse ones body, the 5g way.
a recipe given by my yoga instructor. the 5g aka 5 greens, namely, green pepper, cucumber, bitter gourd, green apples and celery. juice everything and there you have it...a green concoction to detoxify your body. of course i tried it...and yup, it surely works. works best in the morning on an empty stomach though...and when you pee pee, you can literally smell the toxins...errrrr i think that's how toxins smell.
then again...after detoxifying...i would cramp myself with mark's and spencer's cracked black pepper and sea salt baked potato chips...yums!!! does it mean that i'm retoxifying my body...yet again? not to mentioned those yummy dark chocolate tim tams and "bak hu" with peanut butter sandwiches, pitted olives with baked pita bread, carrot cake (ang mo style ok...not the chai tau kuey one hor) and of course the list is exhaustive. so what's the point of detoxifying in the first place? geees!!!
you determine your own destiny...that's what i learnt tonight.
kinda picked it up in a very interesting situation as i was attending this class conducted by a guest instructor from byron bay, new south wales down under. we did our salutations to both the sun and the moon...considering it's full moon today so what the heck...here's one for you madam lunar. and as we were approaching towards the end of the hour and a half of full stretched class, we were told to do the pincha mayarusana (also known as the feathered peacock pose). 
looks difficult isn't it...that's what i thought...not till the instructor said, it's all in your mind...the fear is there. and he calmly told us to "fuck everything and run". it's just fear he said. as usual, i was busy trying to lift my heavy butt off to try my very best in achieving the pose. and of course also attempting very hard in trying not to look like a 100 ton hippo doing the hand stand...imagine that will you. finally, achieved it...guess what...it must be the oxygen riched blood which came rushing towards your head thanks to mother nature's gift of gravity...i suddenly felt a tingling feeling...a feeling that there's nothing in my life that i cannot do or achieve...it's all in my hands and in my head.
if i want to feel happy...i need to work on it...and if i continue to stay lost...i shall be lost forever without knowing or at least attempting to give that little push to achieve that "umph" in life...boy...it sure was an interesting feeling. hard to imagine...but quite sureal!
my destiny...right in the palm of my hands...if i fall...i fall...but i can prevent myself from falling...concentration, a little strength and lots of support...mental support...it's all in the head. it's all controlled from the mind...wow!
what a wonderful feeling it is. i feel like a child again...it feels free and light! i'm happy!
the question cropped up again as to whether i would be interested in taking up a teacher's training course for yoga. the answer, yes...but not now. i don't think i'm physically and definately not mentally ready yet. nevertheless, money shall be saved, physical and emotional needs shall be fulfilled.
there's definately more self discovery to come in many chapters ahead.
